So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
