brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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