Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
