I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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