hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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