Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
