im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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