Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize