he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
