I am spending my child support on dildos
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
