my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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