I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
