I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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