all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
