we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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