the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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