my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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