No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My penis needs a shock collar
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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