Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
