hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize