Will you blow on my dice?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Randomize
