when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
