Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize