Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
