I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I've blown a few things in my day
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
