Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
