I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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