upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
