She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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