For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
