so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
