I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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