do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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