If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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