I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
