I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
