why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
