Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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