I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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