I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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