I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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