when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
