Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
