I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
