My girlfriend figured out who you are.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
