I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize