I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
