elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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