a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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