I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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