Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
