No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
