i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
