Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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