If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
