I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
PANTIES FOUND
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
