Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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