I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
