Define "chronic" masturbator.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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