i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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