Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
