i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
