sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
