hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
