Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
