dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
