OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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